Why we avoid our own thoughts (and why sitting with them helps)

You’re in the queue for coffee. Thirty seconds, maybe forty. Before you’ve even decided to, your phone is out. Same on the bus, in the lift, in the gap between one episode and the next. Some of us take a podcast into the shower.

None of that makes you a bad person. But it does mean there are very few moments left in the day with nothing in them except your own mind. That turns out to matter more than it sounds, and the research on what happens when we stop filling the gaps is more encouraging than you might expect.

Would people really rather get an electric shock than sit and think?

Some would. In 2014, University of Virginia psychologist Timothy Wilson and colleagues published 11 studies in Science. Participants handed over their phones and belongings and sat alone for 6 to 15 minutes with nothing to do but think. They typically didn’t enjoy it, and they liked simple activities such as reading or listening to music a lot more.

Then came the famous part. In one study, people first tried a mild electric shock and said they would pay money to avoid feeling it again. Then they were left alone for 15 minutes, with the option to shock themselves. Twelve of the 18 men (67%) and six of the 24 women (25%) pressed the button at least once. One man did it 190 times and was left out of the analysis.

It’s a small sample, and not everyone accepts the headline reading. In a 2014 commentary, Kieran Fox and colleagues went back through the data and argued that “just thinking” came out as middling, a bit enjoyable and a bit boring, rather than genuinely unpleasant. Still, the finding stuck because it felt familiar. Most of us know the itch.

Why do we reach for the phone instead?

Wilson’s own reading of his results was that most people seem to prefer doing something rather than nothing, even when that something is unpleasant. Thinking on demand is also harder than it sounds. In his studies, most people said their minds wandered during the quiet time, and more than half said they found it hard to concentrate on their thoughts.

So the phone wins partly because it’s easy. It hands you something to do the moment there’s a gap, and it never asks you to steer.

We underestimate how good thinking can feel

Here’s the twist. In 2022, Aya Hatano, Kou Murayama and colleagues ran six experiments with 259 university students in Japan and the UK. Before sitting alone with their thoughts for anywhere from 3 to 20 minutes, people predicted how much they’d enjoy it. Afterwards, they reported enjoying it significantly more than they had expected.

In one version, one group predicted how much they’d enjoy just thinking, while another predicted how much they’d enjoy checking the news online. The thinkers expected a much duller time. Afterwards, both groups reported similar enjoyment.

So part of the problem isn’t thinking itself. It’s our forecast. We reach for the phone because we assume the alternative will be boring, and that assumption is often wrong. The participants were all students, so the finding needs testing in wider groups, but it’s a hopeful one. Next time you’re waiting, it might be worth giving your own mind a chance before you give it a screen.

What does time alone actually do to your mood?

Thuy-vy Nguyen, Richard Ryan and Edward Deci tested this in four studies published in 2018. In the first, students sat alone for 15 minutes without their phones, while a comparison group spent the time chatting with a research assistant. Only the people sitting alone showed a drop in high-energy feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant: think excitement on one side, tension on the other. The researchers called it a “deactivation effect”. When people chose to be alone, rather than being told to, it also brought more relaxation and less stress.

In other words, solitude works more like a dimmer switch than a party. That’s exactly what you want after a loud day, and a decent state for thinking clearly. It also suggests two practical rules: leave the phone out of it, and make the time alone something you pick, not something you endure.

What if your thoughts go somewhere you don’t like?

Fair worry. Part of why we keep the noise on is that silence lets the uncomfortable stuff surface: the unanswered message, the thing you said, the bigger question you’ve been dodging.

Repetitive thinking isn’t automatically good or bad. In a 2008 review in Psychological Bulletin, psychologist Edward Watkins pulled together evidence that it can help people recover from upsetting events and plan ahead, or feed anxiety and low mood. One of the things that seemed to make the difference was how abstract or concrete the thinking is. Roughly, “why is my life like this?” keeps you circling. “What happened on Tuesday, and what’s one thing I could do about it?” gives your mind somewhere to land.

So if a quiet ten minutes keeps dragging you to the same painful place, that’s not proof you should never be alone with your thoughts. It’s a sign to get specific, to change activity, or to talk it through with someone. And if those thoughts are persistent and heavy, a GP or therapist is a better next step than more time alone.

Try this: ten minutes with your own mind

1. Pick a gap you already have. The walk to the station, the first stop of your commute, the time while the pasta boils.
2. Put your phone somewhere slightly annoying to reach. A bag, a coat pocket, another room.
3. Bring one question. Something open and gentle, like “Which small moment of my day do I love most?” or “If I could relive one ordinary day of my life, which would it be?”.
4. Let it wander, then come back. Drifting is normal. Notice it and return to the question without telling yourself off.
5. If it starts circling, get concrete. Swap “why is my life like this?” for “what exactly happened?” and “what next?”.
6. End with one sentence. Say it out loud or jot it in your notes. One line is plenty.

Expect the first few tries to feel odd. If Hatano’s findings hold for you, they’ll probably also feel better than you predicted.

Where Everconnected fits

If you’d like to try this with someone new, Everconnected matches you with people who share your values and interests, for one-to-one conversations by voice. It’s free to join: create an account at app.everconnected.com, or get the app from the App Store or Google Play.

Questions people ask

Sources

1. Wilson, T. D., et al. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. Science, 345(6192), 75-77. doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
2. Fox, K. C. R., Thompson, E., Andrews-Hanna, J. R., & Christoff, K. (2014). Is thinking really aversive? A commentary on Wilson et al.’s “Just think: the challenges of the disengaged mind”. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1427. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01427
3. Hatano, A., Ogulmus, C., Shigemasu, H., & Murayama, K. (2022). Thinking about thinking: People underestimate how enjoyable and engaging just waiting is. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 151(12), 3213-3229. doi.org/10.1037/xge0001255
4. Watkins, E. R. (2008). Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 163-206. doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.2.163
5. Nguyen, T. T., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2018). Solitude as an approach to affective self-regulation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(1), 92-106. doi.org/10.1177/0146167217733073