Why talking to someone new makes you happier

You’re on the train. The person next to you is reading the book you finished last month. A thought flickers: I could say something. Then a second, firmer thought shuts it down. It’ll be awkward. They want to be left alone. You put your headphones back in.

That second thought is one of the least reliable predictions you make all day. Over the past decade, psychologists have tested what actually happens when people talk to someone they don’t know yet, and the results line up surprisingly well: it feels better than we expect, the other person is more up for it than we assume, and the hardest part is the very first sentence.

Here’s what the research found, where its limits are, and how to try it yourself this week.

What happens when you talk to someone new on your commute?

In 2014, behavioural scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, then both at the University of Chicago, ran a series of experiments with commuters on Chicago-area trains and buses. Some people were asked to start a conversation with the person sitting next to them. Some were asked to keep to themselves. The rest commuted as they normally would.

Before any of that, a separate group of commuters was asked to imagine each option. Most predicted that sitting quietly would make for the nicest ride. They were wrong. The people who talked reported a more positive commute than the people who sat in silence, and they were no less productive for it. The researchers called their paper Mistakenly seeking solitude, which is about as neat a summary as you’ll get.

Why the mismatch? Mostly, people assumed the other person wouldn’t be interested. Commuters guessed that fewer than half of the people around them would be willing to chat. In practice, none of the participants who tried reported being snubbed.

Was it a one-off?

A single surprising study is a fun fact. A repeated one is something you can use. In 2022, Schroeder, Donald Lyons and Epley ran the experiment again, this time with train commuters around London. Same result: people asked to talk to a fellow passenger had a significantly more positive experience, and said they learned more, than people who sat in silence or commuted as usual.

There was a twist, though. This time, commuters actually expected talking to be nicer. So why don’t more of us do it? A second experiment pointed to the opening moment. People expected starting the conversation to be the unpleasant bit: what to say, how to begin, whether the other person would mind. The conversation itself wasn’t the problem. The dread is front-loaded, and the reward comes after.

That’s useful to know. The barrier isn’t a wall. It’s a doorstep, and it’s about ten seconds wide.

Do tiny chats with a barista really count?

You might think the benefits only kick in with long, deep talks. Psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn suggest otherwise. They study what researchers call “weak ties”: the barista, the neighbour you nod to, the person you sometimes chat to at the gym.

In one 2014 study, they gave people two clicker counters for the day, one for interactions with close friends and family and one for interactions with weak ties. On days when people had more weak-tie interactions than usual, they reported feeling happier and more like they belonged.

In another, they stopped around 60 people on their way into a busy coffee shop in Vancouver. Half were asked to be as efficient as possible at the till. The other half were asked to have a genuine moment with the cashier: smile, make eye contact, have a brief chat. The chatty group left in a better mood, and the early evidence suggested that a feeling of belonging was part of the reason.

So belonging isn’t only built in your closest relationships. It’s also assembled, a little at a time, out of small moments of real contact that are very easy to skip.

Does talking to people you don’t know get easier?

Yes, at least in the short term. In a 2022 study, Sandstrom, Erica Boothby and Gus Cooney gave 286 university students in the US and UK a week-long scavenger-hunt game. Each task asked them to find someone matching a short description. Half were told to go and talk to that person. The other half only had to spot them.

By the end of the week, the talkers felt more confident about their conversation skills, were less worried about being rejected, and expected to enjoy these chats more. Those changes were still there a week later. Most of the people they approached were happy to talk, far more than the students had predicted.

What the research doesn’t say

Most of these are single experiments that measure how people feel during or just after one conversation. They’re strong evidence that a brief chat feels good and that we underestimate other people’s openness. They’re much weaker evidence that one hello changes your life. The weak-ties diary study is also correlational: it’s possible that people simply chat more on days when they already feel good. And the samples were mostly city commuters and students in North America and the UK, so norms may differ where you live.

The modest version is still worth having: starting feels risky, and it usually turns out fine. If you want to dig into more of the evidence, we keep a summary on our research page.

How to start a conversation with someone new

You don’t need a script or a new personality. Try this for one week:

1. Pick low-stakes places. Queues, waiting rooms, the dog park, the five minutes before a class starts. Places where a short chat is normal and there’s a natural end point.
2. Open with what you share right now. “Is this the queue for tickets?” “That looks good, what did you order?” Comments about the shared moment feel easy to answer.
3. Ask one real question. Not an interview. Just one thing you’re curious about: “Is this your usual route?” or “What brings you here?”
4. Keep it short on purpose. The research is about brief conversations. Two minutes counts. Knowing you can leave makes it easier to begin.
5. Catch the second thought. When your brain says “they won’t want to talk”, remember that this exact forecast has been tested, repeatedly, and mostly fails.
6. Do it once a day. The scavenger-hunt study suggests confidence builds with repetition, so treat it as practice, not a test.

Where Everconnected fits

If you’d like to try this with someone new, Everconnected matches you with people who share your values and interests, for one-to-one conversations by voice. It’s free to join: create an account at app.everconnected.com, or get the app from the App Store or Google Play.

Questions people ask

Sources

1. Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980-1999. doi.org/10.1037/a0037323
2. Schroeder, J., Lyons, D., & Epley, N. (2022). Hello, stranger? Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 151(5), 1141-1153. doi.org/10.1037/xge0001118
3. Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: The surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910-922. doi.org/10.1177/0146167214529799
4. Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Is efficiency overrated? Minimal social interactions lead to belonging and positive affect. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(4), 437-442. doi.org/10.1177/1948550613502990
5. Sandstrom, G. M., Boothby, E. J., & Cooney, G. (2022). Talking to strangers: A week-long intervention reduces psychological barriers to social connection. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 102, 104356. sussex.figshare.com/articles/journal_contribution/Talking_to