Why do we avoid deep conversations? The science of closeness

You’re at a friend’s birthday drinks, wedged next to someone you’ve just met. You both know the script. Where do you live? What do you do? How do you know the host? Twenty minutes later you’ve covered rent, the trains and the weather, and you walk away knowing nothing that matters about each other.

Neither of you planned it that way. Ask most people and they’ll say they’d love fewer surface-level chats and more real ones. So why do we keep picking the shallow end? Psychologists have a fairly clear answer, and it isn’t that people are dull or that depth is dangerous. It’s that we’re bad at predicting how conversations will go, and our mistakes all point the same way.

Why do we avoid deep conversations?

In research published in 2022, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley ran 12 experiments with more than 1,800 people. Pairs who didn’t know each other were given either small-talk questions or much deeper ones, such as “Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?” Before talking, everyone predicted how awkward it would feel, how connected they’d be and how much they’d enjoy it. Afterwards, they said how it actually went.

The deep conversations felt less awkward than people expected, and left them more connected and happier than they had predicted. People were especially likely to overestimate how awkward the deep conversations would be compared with the shallow ones.

The researchers traced this back to one mistaken belief: we underestimate how much other people care about what we have to say. You picture your honest answer landing on a polite, glazed face. In practice, the person opposite you is usually far more interested than you think.

Here’s the hopeful part. In one experiment, people who were simply told that most of us underestimate others’ interest went on to choose deeper questions. Knowing the bias exists is enough to nudge you past it.

Why does opening up feel so good?

Part of the answer is in the brain. In a 2012 paper, neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell reported five studies on what happens when people talk about themselves. In brain scans, disclosing personal thoughts and opinions engaged the mesolimbic dopamine system, the same reward circuitry that responds to things like food.

They also tested it with cash. In one experiment, people chose between questions that each paid a small amount, and they often picked questions about themselves even when another option paid more. On average, they gave up around 17% of what they could have earned for the chance to talk about themselves. The pull was stronger when they knew their answers would be shared with another person. (These were lab studies with modest samples, so treat them as a strong hint rather than the last word.)

The reward runs in both directions. A 1994 meta-analysis by Nancy Collins and Lynn Miller pulled together decades of research and found three linked patterns: people who share more personal things tend to be liked more, we share more with people we already like, and we tend to like people more after we’ve opened up to them. The effects depend on context, and pouring out everything in the first minute is not the same thing. But the general rule holds: honesty, offered at the right pace, makes people warmer towards each other, not cooler.

Can you create closeness on purpose?

If depth brings people closer, can you build it deliberately? A 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues suggests you can. They paired up university students who hadn’t met and gave them 45 minutes of questions in three sets, each set more personal than the last. Partners took turns answering, so both people opened up at the same pace. Comparison pairs spent the same time on small-talk tasks.

The pairs who worked through the escalating questions reported feeling noticeably closer. The questions went viral years later after a 2015 New York Times essay framed them as “36 questions to fall in love”, but the study itself was about closeness, not romance.

Two ingredients matter most: the questions get deeper gradually, and the sharing is mutual. Nobody is interrogated, and nobody overshares alone. The authors were clear about the limits, too: one 45-minute session can create a real feeling of closeness, but loyalty and commitment take longer to grow.

Why do good conversations end too early?

There’s one more misjudgement, and it shapes how conversations end. In a 2022 paper, Michael Kardas, Juliana Schroeder and Ed O’Brien ran five preregistered experiments with 1,093 people. Participants expected their enjoyment to fade as a conversation went on. In reality, it tended to stay steady or even rise.

Part of the reason: people underestimated how much they would find to talk about. We picture the well running dry, so we wrap things up while there’s still plenty left. That “anyway, I’ll let you go” moment often comes before the conversation was anywhere near finished.

How to go deeper without making it weird

You don’t need a script or a confessional mood. You need a few small habits that push back against those three mistakes.

1. Go one notch deeper than feels normal. Swap “What do you do?” for “What’s the best part of what you do?” or “What are you looking forward to at the moment?” Small upgrade, very different conversation.
2. Go first, and go small. Share something a little real about yourself, like a worry about a new job or a thing you’re proud of. Mutual sharing is what built closeness in Aron’s study, and someone has to start.
3. Climb gradually. Start with light-but-personal questions and let the conversation earn the bigger ones. Depth works best as a staircase, not a jump.
4. Follow up before you move on. “What was that like?” or “Why that one?” tells someone their answer landed. Then actually listen.
5. Remind yourself of the bias. When you hesitate, tell yourself: they’re probably more interested than I think. The research says you’ll usually be right.
6. Don’t be the first to leave. If it’s going well, give it another ten minutes. The best part may still be ahead.

And read the room. Going deeper is an invitation, not a demand. If someone keeps it light, that’s their call to make.

Where Everconnected fits

If you’d like to try this with someone new, Everconnected matches you with people who share your values and interests, for one-to-one conversations by voice. It’s free to join: create an account at app.everconnected.com, or get the app from the App Store or Google Play.

Questions people ask

Sources

1. Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367-398. doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000281
2. Tamir, D. I., & Mitchell, J. P. (2012). Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 109(21), 8038-8043. doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1202129109
3. Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457-475. doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.457
4. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377. doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
5. Kardas, M., Schroeder, J., & O’Brien, E. (2022). Keep talking: (Mis)understanding the hedonic trajectory of conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 123(4), 717-740. doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000379
6. Catron, M. L. (2015, January 9). To fall in love with anyone, do this. The New York Times (Modern Love). www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/modern-love-to-fall-in-love